As a new freshman theatre arts student, I want to be involved in as many projects at Nazareth as possible, especially ones within my department. So when I heard about a volunteer opportunity in collaboration with Nazareth's School of Health and Human Services, I jumped at it. Not only would I get to volunteer within my department, but I would get to meet people outside of my program.
Once I showed interest in volunteering, they gave me details about the project: It was a medical simulation to give students (future physical therapists, etc.) more exposure to working with real-life patients. I would play 15-year-old Aiyanna who had just undergone knee surgery after a bad ski accident. I thought I would be perfect for the role, as I have a long history of knee pain, and when I was in seventh grade, I underwent surgery to try and correct it. This was a long time ago, but only recently did the chronic psychosomatic pain go away. Mostly. It had been a long journey, one that has been both mentally and physically strenuous, but I was pretty sure I was past it — I like to think of myself as a resilient person. So I confirmed my participation, partly to get involved in my community, but I also wanted to test myself and prove that my knee no longer bothered me.
We did two rehearsals before the actual simulation, and my director told me that my weepy, anxious affect was good, to keep it up, and essentially just cry. I wasn’t even fully aware that that was the affect I was putting on, but I was fine. My knee didn’t hurt, and this was a fun project to be a part of. Or so I told myself.
On the day of the simulation, they had me in one of the mock hospital rooms we have in Smyth, lying in a hospital bed, with my right knee bandaged up, just like it was 5 years ago. Before it began I was feeling a whole jumble of emotions: I was a little nervous, and I was curious to see how this was going to go, but I was mostly feeling anxious about having my knee wrapped up again.
At the beginning of the simulation, I was fully in character, fully acting, but as we got past the basic health questions — “what’s your name?”, “do you know where we are?” “can you tell me what year it is?” — and into the physical therapy portion, one that mirrored very closely what I remember of post-surgery, I felt Aiyana slip away, and 13-year-old Pascale take over. I remembered the layout of the hospital, the nurses trying to help me to my feet, the feeling of my head swaying and my stomach churning, and the fear. I wasn’t so much acting, as recreating my memory. Now, this is not a healthy way of acting. It is exactly what we are told not to do - use lived experience, yes, but don’t fall into negative memories, stay in character. But once I had slipped into that old skin, it was hard to shake. It was so easy to feel like a scared 13-year-old again. It was so easy to feel vulnerable. It was so easy to feel like my knee hurt. I slipped into my younger self more easily than I thought I would, I think she was closer to the surface than I realized.
When the simulation was over, we did a debriefing with the med students, and the first thing I did was sit up and cross my legs, eager to come back to myself. The med students all gasped, forgetting for a second my knee was in perfectly fine working order. I gasped too, half expecting some form of pain. During the talk-back, I was able to breathe, center myself again, and remind myself that this was a simulation. It was fake. I was fine.
In the end, I’m glad I did the simulation. I was doing some good in my community, volunteering my time to try and help the med students gain some sense of working with real patients. And I feel like I helped them. Getting to use some of my lived experience in a positive manner to help other students learn and grow was wonderful. It was gratifying hearing them talk about how helpful the simulation was. I’m also glad I volunteered for myself. While it was a bit emotionally exhausting, I feel like I grew from the experience. I thought going in that I was ‘past’ my chronic pain, but I'm not sure chronic pain is something you get past, I think it’s something you grow around. Sometimes I still have days where I feel like a scared 13-year-old. But now I have even more faith that I’ll come out the other side not only okay but stronger than before. And if my experiences can help other people, all the better.
Pascale Cartwright is a first-year theatre arts major, musical theatre minor. She is an international student who just moved back to the United States after living in Paris, France, for the past 10 years. She is very excited to be at Naz and loves the school's focus on being change makers and bringing good to our community!